Vivian Stringer Turns Up the Heat

With the countdown to summer football practice in full swing, Mike Fasano, in celebration of the July 4th holiday, takes a humorous look at the various goings-on in Rutgers athletics, with topics of concern ranging from Coach C. Vivian Stringer, to Rutgers Athletic Director Bob Mulcahy, and finally to musings regarding the Purple Lot.

Vivian Stringer Cleans Up Her Act

by Mike Fasano

    Quiz. Who was the first college coach in America to take three different teams to the final four?

    Was it:

        (A.) John Wooden,

        (B.) Dean Smith, or

        (C.) Adolph Rupp

    Well, it turns out that the answer is (D.). Vivian Stringer.

    No kidding.

    Vivian Stringer is the first college basketball coach in America to take three different teams to the final four. Of course, it doesn't stop there. Vivian is three time national coach of the year, has coached in eight NCAA regional finals, as well as 20 NCAA tournaments and done a lot more. Here's a list of some of her accolades from the Rutgers website:

• 2006, International Women’s Sports Hall of Fame
• 2006, University of Iowa Athletics Hall of Fame
• 2005, Sport in Society Hall of Fame
• 2005, Sports Hall of Fame of New Jersey
• 2004, Black Coaches Association Lifetime Achievement Award
• 1993, Carol Eckman Award
• 2003, “101 Most Influential Minorities in Sports,” Sports Illustrated
• 2002, U.S. Sports Academy creates C. Vivian Stringer Medallion Award of Sport for
Women’s Coaching
• 2001, Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame
• Honoree, Smithsonian Institute, Black Women in Sports
• 1994, Reggie McKenzie Foundation Commitment to Character Award
• Honoree, Who’s Who Among Black Americans
• 1993, Joe Cipriano/Jim Valvano Nike Hall of Fame Award
• NAACP Jackie Robinson Award (New Brunswick, N.J.)
• 2004, Girl Scouts of America Woman of Distinction (Delaware-Raritan, N.J.)
• 2004, Executive Women of New Jersey Honoree
• 2002, Girl Scouts of America Woman of Distinction (Greater Essex and Hudson
Counties, N.J.)
• 1998, National Association of Negro Business and Professional Women’s Club
Woman of the Year (Union County, N.J.)
• 1998, City News 100 Most Influential Award
• 1994, Iowa City Magazine’s Person of the Year
• 1987, inductee into the Communiplex Hall of Fame

Stringer has been so successful that it makes you wanna puke.

But before this season Vivian looked into the mirror and saw failure.

Yes, failure.

You see, C. Vivian Stringer has never won a national championship.

Never.

Played for it?

Yes.

But won it?

No.

Never.

The shame of it. The disgrace of it. She could barely look herself in the mirror.

So, Stringer decided to clean up her act. Vivian would make amends. If she couldn't get the national championship with merely great recruiting classes then it was time for things to change.

And change they would.

C.Vivian Stringer abandoned the idea of bringing in a great recruiting class. Instead she decided that she would go out and bring in a class that was so talented that it was absolutely insane.

And that's what she did.

And just how good is this class?

Alright, you know the McDonald's Women's High School All America Game. East .vs. West.

You know that game?

Okay, well, this year, the Co-MVP's in that game were Brooklyn Pope and Nikki Speed - both of whom are going to Rutgers. They competed for Co-MVP with three other kids in that game who are also going to Rutgers.

When have you ever heard of such a thing?

Tell me.

When?

Ever?

And don't say "Notre Dame Football Recruiting." Those classes are usually overloaded with supersized suburban kids who have had too many "Big Macs". These are guys whose forty times are measured in phases of the moon.

This is not such a class.

These Rutgers players have real speed, real talent - not just press releases.

Take Nikki Speed. The kid is well named. Nikki is so fast that - for relativistic reasons - her post game interviews have to be held before the game. We're talking fast.

Try guarding her on a penetration move.

Good luck, you're gonna need it.

And April Sykes?

She averaged over 30 points a game despite being double teamed, despite being triple teamed all year. She is such a hot scorer that sometimes the nets actually catch fire. In fact, sometimes they catch fire before she even gets to the gym!

Now that is one hot scorer.

The rest of the class is just as good. One poll had three of 2008's top five national players going to Rutgers, four out of the top 15.

This class isn't good. This class isn't great. This class is insane.

So, Vivian, there's no need to be ashamed, no reason to hang your head, no reason to feel disgrace.

We forgive you for not winning the national championship.

We take you back into our hearts.

Just don't let it happen again.

With this class, she probably won't.

The Evil Doings of Bob Mulcahy

Bob Mulcahy is an evil man, a sick man.

Mulcahy has been involved in horrible, ghastly, macabre scientific experiments which - after they are exposed in this article - will cause a national scandal.

What has he done?

Well, in case you haven't guessed it already. Mulcahy - working at a hidden located with genetic engineers - transplanted some of Vivian Stringer's recruiting genes into Greg Schiano.

There. Now you know it. The horrible truth is out.

And, you might ask ... just what proof do I have to support that allegation?

HA.

Proof you ask. It's proof you want, do you?

Well ... uhh ... er ... hmm ... Well, to be honest, I really don't have any.

But how else do you explain Schiano's current recruiting class?

Answer me THAT.

Mulcahy's got a secret laboratory somewhere and I'm going to be the guy to find it.

The Dreaded Purple Lot

When going to Rutgers football games, I have always parked in the yellow lot. I figured that I would always park in the yellow lot. After all, I've had season tickets since the Hoover Administration and I thought that fans got "points" for loyalty to the program. Thus, I figured that holding on to my yellow lot parking pass was a "slam dunk."

But noooooooooooooooooooooooo, not at Rutgers. Last year, when I opened up my season ticket package, I  found several purple parking passes inside

Purple!?!? What the hell are purple parking passes?

Well it turned out that I had been consigned to something called the "Purple Lot".

Now for those of you who have never heard of the "Purple Lot", don't be surprised. The Purple Lot is not located anywhere near Rutgers University. In fact, you can only get there by plane, train and camel. And when you do get there, it is not a very nice place. In fact, it is filled with the worst degenerate slime imaginable. You name it - drug addicts, murderers, gun runners, child molesters, terrorists, Boston College fans - the very dregs of society. Even the guy who hired Katie Kouric to take over CBS News is there. It is a place filled with the absolute scum of the earth. The Purple Lot is, in fact, the living embodiment of everything that is vile and putrescent in the universe.

I wouldn't send John Swofford there.

And I haven't even mentioned the toxic waste, radioactivity and free-fire zones!

The Purple Lot is just not a nice place.

Now, I am sure you are asking yourself just how could a "loyal son" like myself ever end up in a place like the Purple Lot?

Well, I looked into it and what I discovered is an absolute disgrace to the University. I mean, an absolute disgrace.

Look, maybe I'm naive but I had assumed that the so-called "point system" rewarded loyalty to Rutgers.

But it doesn't. The shocking truth is that it does the precise opposite.

For instance, I had season tickets for the entire Terry Shea era. I renewed my season tickets after every horrific year.

Rutgers went 0-11. I renewed my season tickets.

Rutgers got beaten 70-0 by Syracuse. I renewed my season tickets.

Rutgers got out-recruited by Slippery Rock State. I renewed my season tickets.

It took character. It took courage. It took commitment but - as with other stalwarts - my loyalty to Rutgers carried me through.

Well, you just don't get any more loyal than that, right? So, of course, I figured that - at a minimum - I'd get five hundred points for sticking it out through the Shea era.

Right?

But nooooooooooooooooooooooo, not at Rutgers.

What did I get? Brace yourself because you honestly won't believe this. I got a total of one point for each year of the Terry Shea era. One lousy point per year..

Are you kidding me!?!? Are you kidding me!?!?

I suffered permanent psychological damage and all I get is one stinking point per year.

It's ridiculous.

It was the same with the Littlepage era. I had season tickets through the entire Littlepage era. They should erect a statue of me on that campus.

But nooooooooooooooooooooooo, not at Rutgers.

I got one point per year for each year of the Littlepage era.

That's a clear violation of the Geneva Accords.

And if that isn't bad enough, it gets worse.

Just who does get extra points?

Those points go to any Johnny-Come-Lately with a fat wallet who contributes to the program.

These are people who - during the Terry Shea era - couldn't be dragged to Rutgers Stadium with a tow truck and a tug boat.

But now that things have turned around, for a few bucks they are tailgating in the yellow lot - IN MY SPOT NO LESS.

The nerve of them.

I tell you, the whole thing just plain stinks.

But I didn't stand on principle. I wanted my yellow lot pass back. So I opened up the wallet and forked over the cash. I decided to buy my way back to the lot where I so rightfully belong.

Now I can't wait till my season ticket package arrives.

I can't wait to open it.

I can't wait to look inside.

Because if I open it and if I look inside and see anything looking even remotely purple ....

Bob Mulcahy is dead meat.